Are These the Worst Christmas Socks Ever?

My friend Victoria Dahl was trying to convince me and the rest of the Twitterverse that she was wearing ” very sexy fuzzy Christmas socks.”

I was skeptical.

Her response: “Come on, John! Probably you just need a visual. A sexy, sexy, pervy visual.” Here’s the visual:

"Sexy," fuzzy Christmas socks. About as hawt as it gets on laundry day.

Inexplicably, I saw those socks and suffered a perv fail. How could that happen? Does Big Pharma make something for Christmas Sock Erectile Dysfunction? Well whatever. I’ll just wear my cardigan sweater and sleep in my twin bed until January, I guess.

Meanwhile, as the Christmas marketing juggernaut inexorably rolls forward to crush us all, I will try to get in the spirit. Since it’s better to give than receive, I offer up my own pair of Christmas socks.

WARNING: These socks are not for everyone. In fact, when I first tried to photograph them, my camera immediately broke:

The camera lens couldn't handle the truth.

But taking a tip from Harry Potter, I used a mirror to photograph the socks the second time. The camera survived–barely.

What the …? Yes, that’s Santa, golfing in the snow, on my hosiery.While an elf tends the pin. But wait, it gets worse:

Okay, maybe they’re not the worst ever. But I throw down the Santa-in-green gauntlet, sock-wise. Anyone got a worse pair?

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This is an excellent entry-level opportunity for anyone interested in a dynamic career in hosiery management. Inquire within.