Numb: The Film

A writer friend of mine named Harley May has a contest on her blog to win a copy of Sean Ferrell’s new book, Numb. (Want to compete? There’s still time to enter. But if you win and I don’t, I will be very put out.)

Anyhow, on her blog, Harley re-enacts three scenes in the book: a man engaged in a lion fight, a man hammering a nail through himself for profit, and a man on fire. Her reenactments are gripping, to be sure, but no one (to my knowledge) has yet re-re-enacted these scenes in Excite-O-Vision™, which requires a camera, and the collaboration of young boys, as well as a great many of their toys.

The first re-enactment, lion fight, was dramatically enhanced as a cage fight. While the ultimate results were not available as we went to press, the man does not seem to be faring well:

It was apparently Pirate Day in the crowd, which added to the boistrosity.

Check out this exclusive lion-on-man close-up, which shows the simulated blood in even more graphic Excite-O-Vision™ detail:

Despite danger aplenty, the man lives through this ordeal, only to have a nail hammered into him. Harley’s blog says “someone hammering a nail through their body for profit,” but wouldn’t it be so much more dramatic, my kids didn’t say, if someone else hammered in the nail? You know, like “The Passion of the Christ” meets The Golden Spike?

Pirates, ninjas, bulls, Mexican wrestlers -- they all came out to see the man getting impaled. Despite the man dressed as a cop swinging a hammer that looked like an air horn, there were few complaints.

But the man — he must be invincible — survives this too, only to encounter the most dangerous, conflagrational denouement ever invented: being set on fire!

Unfortunately, Ochwat Studios spent all its production budget on Excite-O-Vision™, leaving nothing left over for pyrotechnics. But those crazy innovative kids insisted that they had a solution, and insisted viewers wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.

Look how excited the crowd is. There are always challenges with filmic adaptations. Why Boba Fett and Yoda? Why a man with gelled hair holding a gun? What is the man doing with shackles, and why is the rat so close to the flame? Is he a flame-proof rat?

So many questions. I guess we’ll have to read Numb to find the answers.