The Man-Machine Merge

My wife called me from Ikea last week, asking if I needed anything. Did I need anything? How about a house that isn’t full of boxes, and incomprehensible Swedi-named plastic detritus? But of course that wasn’t an option.

Ikea’s product design strategy is to make products so futuristic-Euro-looking that no one has a f*cking clue what they are. Case in point was the Egil … stool? I guess it’s a stool, though it looks like something that busted off a whack-a-mole game.

Anyhow, after my wife assembled it, I was flipping through the multilingual instructions (that’s a fancy way of saying “there’s no text”). I found this:

I’m sure you could parse this various ways: Happiness is kneeling on an oriental carpet! Happiness is welding your forearm to a bookshelf! Happiness is welding your forearm to a bookshelf while you use your other hand to scratch your ass!

Whatever that means, that guy is just a little too intimate with that shelf. I try to be tolerant of other people’s kinks, but I have to draw the line somewhere. Otherwise we’ll have a world that looks like this:

2 thoughts on “The Man-Machine Merge

  1. The nice thing about my current situation is it gives me time to do important stuff, like read and comment on your blog. Ikea scares me. When I figure out the connection between all of these mammoth big box stores (other than massive tax breaks and the destruction of small businesses) I’ll let you know from a secure location on the California coast. We bought our house from folks who furnished it primarily with Swedish materials. In 20 years our kids will look at stuff like this and say, “Mom and Dad’s place still has all of that tacky Ikea stuff.” in much the same way that we might comment on old linoleum or shag carpeting.

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