9 Reasons Squirrels Suck at Social Media

His brain is barely bigger than a Kardashian's.

1. Unreliable online presence, especially during times of peak nut-gathering, or when they’re in rut.

2. Despite user statistics showing a varied audience demographic, they tweet obsessively about digging, blinking, gathering, sniffing, and eating. And sometimes forgetting where they dug the holes to put the stuff they gathered.

3. Every social media strategy meeting ends with a them screeching incessantly, like a chorus of unlubricated wheel bearings.

4. Instead of proactively engaging with stakeholders, squirrels frequently run away from the keyboard to climb fences.

5. They engender intense enmity from the human social media community because, like porn stars, they gain thousands of followers by posting photos and videos of themselves shaking their tails.

6. They do a poor job of managing their online personal brands. Instead, they hop from blog communities to social networks to video sharing sites as if they were some sort of urban tree canopy. (Though to be fair, they were among the first to leave MySpace.)

7. Every day on Facebook they click the Like button, and post a comment that says, “I’m nuts about this!” That was funny for one day, Hammy.

8. All those irritating one-word status updates like “Acorn!” and “Cashew!”, like their brains are nothing more than a Status Shuffle from the Nut Marketing Bureau.

9. They never retweet. Like, anyone. Ever.